I know all about procrastination, impostor syndrome, mental issues, childhood trauma, etc. and still seems hard to start to put my ideas to work.
Why is it too difficult for me to finally put my ideas to work?
It wasn’t until this pandemic situation where I was force to slow my mind down and giving space to my feelings that I started to see some reasons why things were difficult for me and began to answer some questions. After all, switching my existential questions from the brain to the heart helped me in understanding of myself.
Starting from self-sabotage; taking poor decisions in terms of heath and relationships were my norm. I will accept toxic people in my life and stay at places were I was not appreciated. It was all my responsibility, but I did not know how to change those scenarios. I was afraid of being alone because that would provoke feelings of abandonment, so I would chose to be close to needy but unengaged people.
This year, With the isolation I began to understand that being alone is not synonym of lonely, that I needed that time to get to know myself, to help myself to get through those trauma that I had putted aside because they were to painful for me. It was not easy to be alone but necessary in order to continue growing emotionally, and consequently, mature my ideas and take actions.
In order to move forward it is imperative to follow this order: Be, Do, Have
I found marvellous to be alone after clearing up all the problems that I have within me. I did it realizing that if I didn’t make it up to myself, nothing would work properly. It was interesting to see how I punished me for not being a good daughter and for being different within my own family. I used to do the best I could to prove myself worthy. But that would make me even more different, so I developed this emotional dependency that kept me from becoming an emotional independent adult for a long time.
From the outside it looked that I had reach adulthood, but in reality I was living like a child pleasing the ones around in order to avoid abandonment. I was afraid to not being love or not accepted if I performed low. I was always working and making myself busy without thinking of what was good for me or what did I need to secure my independency.
I worked to become exhausted, got into a toxic relationship -because I was not healthy- and kept myself into other people business. Helped many people to be successful and healthy while defeating myself. It was painful to understand that I was not being or seen as a good person when I was trying so hard to please everyone.
A lesson that I learned late in life. Therefore, I am still working on it, convinced that lessons come to you only when you are ready to receive them. Also, knowing that not everything is perfect, and that is ok!